Seinfeld Time!

Elaine: Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
George: So what? What am I supposed to do?

Elaine: Go talk to her.
George: Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Jerry: Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
( He goes over to the woman )
George: Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria: Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
( G takes a deep breath )
George: My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria: I'm Victoria. Hi.

George, Jerry, Elaine and Victoria in "The Opposite"

Alexis Dziena - Hot or Not?

If you watch "Entourage" then you probably remember Alexis Dziena as E's love interest this past season.  He had to choose between being with her or his on and off again flame, Sloan, played by Emmanuelle Chriqui.  Now in our humble opinion here at Rhinonights we think Emmanuelle is an official hottie (just click on her name to see for yourself), however we are on the fence about Alexis, so you be the judge!

Mayham’s Mixers – Beer Die

So this past weekend a few buddies came over and we decided to play a drinking game, pretty standard stuff. Like so many in this country, the go to lately has been Beirut (more commonly known as beer pong for the misinformed , real beer pong involves a game centered around actual ping pong playing - I’ll go into more detail at another time) but alas we were out of keg cups. Not to worry however, we decided to play another great game that used to be the go to a few years back in our abode… Beer Die!

Beer Die is a case killer, so if you do decide to play make sure you are stocked with dozens of cheap and cold beers. All that is needed to play is a large table, four cups that can withstand the pinging of a die and four willing participants. The goal of the game is to get to 5 or 7 points before your opponents. The unusual thing here is scoring points doesn’t result in the other team drinking, however different actions throughout the game force you to drink.

Ha, alright, if there is one downside to this drinking game it’s that there are a ton of rules, so as I’m writing this I’ve decided to save myself several paragraphs and a nice chunk of time by doing this:

Click here for a thorough breakdown of all the rules and regulations provided by Wikipedia!

I realize this was the easy way out, but even if I tried to break it all down myself I would’ve failed in comparison to the detailed instructions provided on Wikipedia. The bottom line is once you get the hang of the game you might think twice before going with whatever your “usual” game is because it’s a lot of fun and gets the job done - meaning you will drink a lot and quickly. So the next time you have a small get together read up on the rules above and give it a shot.

One last thing, I’d like to give a special shout out to Gil and Ant for inspiring me to write this, oh and to Sideburns for assisting in the beat down that took place.

Cheers!

Mayham

Skin City - The Super Bowl

The Superbowl and Vegas is always a good call in spite of the fact that the majority of bets probably aren’t. Perhaps the worst bet in Vegas is that you can find a casino or sports book to watch the game at.

You’d have a better chance at getting into Pure, then finding a seat without a reserved sign. I venture to guess you have to be a baby whale or a degenerate horse racing gambler to have the privilege of wearing a “V.I.P.” that provides your bottom with a valuable few inches of real estate.

What this means, is that the mere mortal and casual gambler like yourself has limited options for watching the game. Many people go to Caesars Palace to stand around, literally .... all game. The worst part is this is not a bad idea. There is not much you can do unless you know a guy who knows a guy, or you are a guy who spends a ton of money. With official casino parties going the way of the cd and the dodo bird, people resort to watching the game in casino eateries, not bars, but the cafe in the middle of the casino that sell the overpriced water. Certainly this is not the way you were meant to sweat out the bet you made on the coin toss. You have to end up sending one guy on a beer quest and hoping he comes back before the quarter is over. Hillary probably had an easier route up Everest than a guy with three beers trying to get through a crowd like the one you’ll find at most casino sports books on Super Sunday.

Dice Control - Fact or Fiction?

You might have heard about techniques that promise "dice control" at the craps table. I decided to investigate. Through my local library, I was able to get a copy of Golden Touch Dice Control Revolution.

It certainly seems plausible, and even if you don't come away with the ability to throw a hard-six at will, there are lessons that can be learned. For example, you'll be cautioned against ridiculous prop bets. On more reasonable buy and place bets, the house has a relatively slim margin and the authors are quick to point out that in order to turn the odds in your favor, you wouldn't need much command over the dice.

A seven should come up, on average, once in every six rolls. Even if this dice control only pushes that seven back to an average of once in every 6.25 rolls, the house's advantage on some bets would be negated.

I didn't practice for hours a day for months at a time as the instructors advocate, but I did practice. I even set up a rig at home, taping some felt to my kitchen table and tossing the dice into egg cartons I'd taped to the wall.

When I did finally hit the casino, I'd thrown several thousand dice (I kept track to see if the seven was coming up any less). I can say that I've made money from the technique, once even hitting a 250-1 fire bet by hitting five of the six points before the seven came up.

I have, however, also lost money. For me, I'd say that the concept of dice control will remain just a dream.

I'd like to say definitively whether "dice control" is a scam or not, but I simply didn't invest enough time to find out. I wanted to dive in, but sometimes life gets in the way. I figure for my investment of zero dollars, having a story to tell about the time I controlled the dice for almost an hour is enough of a return.
 
Credits: Special thanks to our buddy DiceMan for this post!

Maria Brink - Rack of the Week

To be perfectly honest, we here at Rhino Nights don't know much about the new Music scene (damn teenagers with their loud music and complicated shoes)... however, there is a good possibility we are missing out on something! This week's ROW winner is the lead singer of the metal band "In This Moment", Maria Brink. For obvious reasons, she was the logical choice. Check "In This Moment" out and sample their tunes on the band's Myspace Page.

Zane Lamprey - Straight From the Horn

Photo Courtesy of Bobby Quillard Photography

We are having a hard time coming up with someone that has a better life than Zane Lamprey. Not only is he one of the most popular comedians in America, he also hosts one of our favorite shows, Three Sheets. The premise of Three Sheets is simple, Zane goes from country to country to guide us through that areas' drinking culture. He's pretty much the Christopher Columbus of boozin! We sat down with Zane and asked him some hard hitting questions, enjoy!

RN: Sometimes I get made fun of for ordering girly drinks…. My friends usually say, drink this instead; it will put some hair on your chest. Do you have any guilty pleasures in the frilly drink department?

Zane: You drink girly drinks?! Haha! No. None. I've never had a girly, drink. Ever. Next question.

RN: Hey Zane, Mayham here, I'll be heading to South Africa with some buddies for the World Cup in June and drinking with the locals will be a big part of our agenda. Any helpful tips in choosing a good watering hole in a foreign country?

Zane: Hmm... As with any country, I recommend avoiding the overly-touristy bar. But, you have to be careful in the overly local bars. So, find a happy balance--and then drink.

RN: Is there any kind of alcohol you avoid at all costs because of a prior horrid experience?

Poll Results - Caesars Palace Wins!

The Rhino Nights nation has spoken and voted Caesars Palace for having the best sportsbook in Las Vegas! Dominating over second place finisher, the Mirage .... The sportsbook at Caesars took 35% of our readers votes. Thanks for contributing!

Ke$ha - Hot or Not?

Ke$ha exploded onto the pop scene in the past year,  topping the Billboard Pop chart with "Tik Tok" in February.  The question is has she risen to the top of anyone's hot celebrity list?  In our opinion it always looks like she's going for the "I don't care how I look but I really do care" look and we just aren't sure if it works or not.

So you all be the judges and end the debate right now.  Is she hot or not? Post your comments below!

Random Hilarity - Carl Brutananadilewski

Halloween 2010, you can go as Carl!

Seinfeld Time!

George is in a meeting at work.

George: So, what do you think?
Mr. Morgan: A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste any of the players' time with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for channel eleven.
George: Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying to class up this place, for trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might not watch channel eleven.
George begins eating a candy bar with knife and fork.
Mr. Morgan: Uh, what the hell are you doing?
George: I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands?
Mr. Morgan: You know, maybe George has something here about PBS.

Goerge and Mr. Morgan in "The Pledge Drive"

DoubleDown's Blackjack Tips - Final Edition

Over the last several weeks I have brought you a bevy of blackjack tips that will help you the next time you sit down at the tables in Las Vegas. For now, here is the final rendition of my blackjack tips. Boo-yea!

Stay Upbeat
Gambling in general should be looked at as entertainment. Obviously, you are trying to win every time you sit down, however this will most likely never be the case. Having a bad attitude at the blackjack table is a good way to send out bad vibes to your fellow players and the dealer. Although science has yet to prove this fact, players with bad attitudes not only piss everyone off around them, they also lose every time. (OK, we made that last part up) But seriously, don't be an A-hole while you play... nothing good will come from it.

In case you missed my other tips....

Don't Play Drunk

Don't Play Alone

Stay Away From Auto Shufflers

Learn Basic Strategy

Now that we got those silly tips out of the way... we can bring you more racks!

Sneaky Vegas - Scoring Comps Redux

Happy humpday everyone. With March Madness quickly approaching and people around the country gearing up for their annual pilgrimage to Sin City... I thought I would provide some more of my astute knowledge of scoring comps in Vegas. Enjoy.

Always buy-in with cash

Especially after a big win at the tables, this is a crucial tip when trying to score comps in Vegas. Instead of heading to the next table of your choice and plopping down your chips... hit the cage first and get some Benjamins. This will often provide the illusion that you just hit up the ATM for your daily limit. If returning to the same pit to gamble, take a short break (lunch, sportsbook, strippers, etc.). The break is key to this sneaky Vegas tip, because the pit boss might be inclined to think that you just left the property and lost all your winnings elsewhere. If you can perfect this while on a nice gambling run... I promise you will return home to a mailbox full of free room and food offers!

Mayham's Mixers

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." - Bart Giamatti

Happy Fat Tuesday everyone! And now for this week’s post which has nothing to do with Mardi Gras (I just don’t get that into it every year).

So there are two big things going on this week in sports, the first of which being the Winter Olympics. Who doesn’t like watching a USA vs. Germany Curling match at 12 PM on a Tuesday? Here’s a little drinking tip for Winter in general and for attending cold sporting events:

Always have a flask of some Irish Cream handy to mix with your favorite cold weather beverages (typically coffee or hot chocolate).

OK, now that that’s out of the way we can focus on the second and more important sport/drinking development of the week and make sense of the quote above:

Pitchers and Catchers report for Spring Training!

This means baseball and drinking refreshing cold ones at baseball games are right around the corner. In March I will be blogging from the road during my annual spring training pilgrimage to Peoria, AZ. I will break down the best beers, food and moments from the trip. In the meantime, let’s just be thankful baseball is back and drink some beer in its glorious honor!

Cheers!

Mayham

Biff's Question Song - Hilarious!

The greatest movie bully of all time - Biff Tannen (Tom Wilson) sings. Listen up buttheads.

Rack of the Week - Jennifer Bini Taylor

I can't even watch Two and a Half Men anymore without getting in trouble from the wife for making several lewd comments when it comes to Charlie's fiance Chelsea. The ancient bachelor has always had an enourmous buffet in terms of hot tail, but we feel that settling down with this buxom beauty was the right choice for the 73 year old bad boy.

Jennifer Bini Taylor was plucked from virtual non-existence in Hollywood to land the role of Chelsea on TV's highest rated comedy. With curves to die for, the 37 year old mother of two is bringing new meaning to the term MILF each and every Monday night. We salute you Jennifer!

Happy Valentine's Day Rhino Nights Followers!

To all the fellas out there in the Rhino Nights Nation who don't have a date today, please enjoy the lovely ladies below who would like to wish you "Happy Valentine's Day!"

Lacey Von Erich

Michelle Merkin

Sammy Braddy

Sofía Vergara

 

We'll be back tomorrow with the Rack of the Week!

Kirsten Dunst - Hot or Not?

Spidey's girlfriend has unearthed a huge debate around the Rhino Night's offices this week. Some lean towards the side of "beautiful", while others have used terms like "man-eating troll" and "stupid ugly-faced poopy brontosaurus head" (last time we hold a meeting at the local kindergarten).

Ok, so now its up to the Rhino Nights faithful to determine.... is Kirsten Dunst Hot or Not? Please post in the comments below and let the battle begin!

Seinfeld Time!

JERRY: I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous!

KRAMER: Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New Jersey is already makin' them!

JERRY: They're making these?!
KRAMER: Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, - this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate!
JERRY: But, I don't want to be a pirate!

Jerry and Kramer in "The Puffy Shirt"

DoubleDown's Blackjack Tips - 4th Edition

Getting drunk in Vegas is as common as riding Space Mountain at Disneyland ... everyone does it. (See this week's Mayham's Mixers) However, if you are trying to go home with money, be wise .... ordering shot after shot while playing blackjack will eventually kill your trip.

Alright, I will admit... this week's blackjack tip kind of sucks and I will be the first to tell you that I break this rule every time I'm in Sin City. I then wake up the next morning and check my pockets .... only to usually find my bankroll has taken a huge hit. So if you are headed to Vegas this weekend ... PLEASE READ!

DON'T PLAY DRUNK! - As far as Blackjack tips go, this is the most important one. There is nothing better than sitting around a 21 table with friends and throwing back a few libations. In fact, you will most likely remember these times more than the wins/losses. But if you are trying to win money, don't drink and bet. For obvious reasons, your judgement will be distorted and you could end up betting foolishly or past your means. Don't be the Buzz Killington of the group on your next Vegas trip by losing all your money the first night because you were a hammered little biotch. Your friends will then have to pay your admission to the strip club ... and you won't be able to afford the lappies you desperately need!

The Average Gambler's Guide to Vegas

To celebrate our 3 week anniversary, we are reposting our first Rhino Nights post for anyone that might not have seen it. With over 15,000 visitors so far, RhinoNights.com is going strong! Stay tuned for more goofy goodness.

High rollers stop reading now, this list is for the average gambler ... the REAL Sin City VIP's. If your goal is to hit the strip for a crazy weekend of all night gambling and fun, you've come to the right spot. The list is broken into categories that will guide the average visitor up and down Las Vegas Boulevard without missing a beat. Here is our list for the top 10 Las Vegas Casinos!

Best Drink Service
Imperial Palace
Nothing goes better with a hot set of dice or a winning shoe of cards than your favorite adult beverage. With most casino's in town rivaling small towns in size, it's nice to find a place that is quick and friendly about serving "free" drinks. (I use the term "free" loosely ... you know what we mean if you have ever lost $100 before your first drink arrives.) Lucky for us, the gaudy, old strip mainstay Imperial Palace is still around. With several bars located around the casino floor, IP offers its guests prompt service when it comes to libations. Imperial Palace might not be able to compete with the amenities of the big boys on the strip, but you are guaranteed to get a nice buzz while playing low minimum tables.

Hottest Staff/Waitresses
Wynn/Encore
Hands down the easiest choice on this list. If you enjoy gorgeous, vivacious women in sexy outfits carrying around free drinks, the Wynn (and Encore) is the only place you need to be. The cocktail waitress is as much of Vegas history as showgirls, Wayne Newton and Liberace. Not only beautiful and "well built", most waitresses at this property are extremely intelligent and classy.

Mayham’s Mixers – Drinking in Vegas

Drinking and Gambling – This is what I do in Vegas. I’ve never been to a show, never gone golfing, shopping, received a massage or gone on a helicopter ride. The best nights I’ve had in Vegas have been when I’ve been riding a hot streak at the tables and a perfect buzz all night long. Every story has two tales though and for me, some of the worst nights in Vegas all center around one thing, getting really drunk and either passing out early or getting myself into a regrettable situation. I’ll go into the details of these mishaps another time.

With that being said here are five tips to help you end up with a perfect buzz all trip long. Some of these might seem obvious, but for a Vegas rookie or an inexperienced 21 year old they could make all the difference.

1. Drinking in Vegas is a marathon, not a sprint. This is especially tough to keep in perspective your first night in Sin City. If you are like me then you get super fired up on the plane or car ride over and are ready to jump out of your own body to get the drinking and gambling started. Just remember, if you have 6 shots as soon as you arrive, the first night of your trip could be over before it gets started.

Rack of the Week - Katy Perry

This amazing beauty stops traffic with her killer curves. Quickly becoming one the world's biggest pop stars, Katie Perry is also one of the world's sexiest. Recently, millions of men were heart broken to find out that she was going to marry this guy .................... nooooooooo!

Regardless... she is still hot as balls and the Rhino Nights crew commends that.

Lady Gaga - Hot or Not?

 

She's the newest pop sensation, she doesn't wear pants very often, she likes to sex it up, but is she hot?  Here at Rhino Nights we are currently sitting on the fence.  At times she looks doable, at others she reminds us of Andy Dick dressed as Christina Aguilera.  So lets us know in the comments... would you poke her face?

 

ASS WINS!!!!

Thanks to all of our fellow pervs who voted on the "Best Asset" poll. And the winner is ASS, edging out boobs by 11 votes.

Poll Results:
Ass - 96 Votes
Boobs - 85 Votes
Face - 41 Votes
Legs - 29 Votes
Personality - 10 Votes, hey we actually have some nice people out there viewing the blog.

On Dogs Playing Poker

Most men spend little, if any, time decorating their homes, but I feel very strongly that this is a mistake. A cohesive display of art can really make the home feel more welcoming.

 

With that in mind, I suggest Dogs Playing Poker. I currently display prints of four out of the nine in the series: Poker Sympathy, A Friend in Need, A Bold Bluff and Waterloo.

 

You'll want to take care to display A Bold Bluff along with Waterloo. Waterloo, you see, is the conclusion of the scene we're presented with in the former.

 

In A Bold Bluff, the St. Bernard places a large bet with only a pair of twos. In Waterloo, we see that the bulldog has folded and expressed bewilderment at the outcome of the hand.

 

In studying the paintings, a couple of things will stick out:

 

1.) I find it peculiar that the St. Bernard is smoking a cigar, but also has a pipe full of tobacco sitting in front of him. One might expect a classy animal like that to wait to pack his pipe until he'd finished his cigar.

 

2.) The dogs are all drinking their liquor, presumably a type of whiskey, neat. However, they drink from Highball glasses. The artist may be depicting Old Fashioned glasses. Either way, if serving the drinks neat, I'd expect a snifter.

 

As you can see, the series is an instant conversation starter!

DoubleDown's Blackjack Tips - 3rd Edition

What's up my fellow gambling nerds? Heading to Vegas this weekend for the big game? Don't hit the tables before reading my latest blackjack tip.

Don't Play Alone

This blackjack tip could be a lifesaver at the tables. Blackjack is a game of timing. Over time, the casino WILL win your money. Sorry, but that is how the game is designed. When you play alone, you will obviously see more hands each hour, which is what the house wants. Play with a small group of good players, not only is it more fun to play with friends.... but you will see less hands each hour, which gives you a better opportunity to keep some of your hard earned cash.

If you have to (or enjoy) playing alone. Make your session a quick hitter. Stay for 15 minutes, evaluate your stack and move on.

Seinfeld Time!

This seems appropriate with tax season upon us...

Jerry: Is this my stereo?
Kramer: Hey you got it.
Jerry: What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
Kramer: That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
Jerry: But you were supposed to get me a refund.
Kramer: You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
Jerry: So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's just a write off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry all these big companies they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
Jerry: I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.

Jerry and Kramer in "The Package"

Sneaky Vegas - Scoring Comps

Vegas marketing is second to none. There is so much competition in Sin City these days that average to moderate gamblers, like myself, can still score free (or highly discounted) rooms, shows and dinners on the house. The following post will provide tips on how to score comps in a town that loves to "give" things away, in hopes of you dropping the nest egg at the tables. These tips are from my experiences only, things that have worked for me ... others might have a different system (like gambling $500 a hand), but me I'm sneaky... and I'm not rich.

In nearly 25 trips to Las Vegas in the last 5-6 years I have never paid full price for a room and 90% of the time they are comped for my entire trip. The tips below are targeted towards table games players, not slot jockeys.... sorry :)

Sign-up for a Players Card at each casino

This goes without question. The casino's will not be able to track your play or send you offers without a players card. ALWAYS get a card before playing.

Buy in for a larger amount than you intend to play

This takes a ton of discipline. You have to set a "limit" for losses when using this technique. I usually buy-in for at least double than what I intend on playing. This way, the pit boss believes you are a higher-level player than you actually are. The pit boss will enter that amount into the computer and wish you good luck. Be careful though, especially if you are losing, stay dedicated to your loss limit, or you could ruin your trip.

Mayham's Mixers - Super Bowl Edition

Ah the Super Bowl - one of the greatest drinking days of the year. The big game is about stuffing your face, guzzling drinks, watching commercials and… oh yea, football.

Now I don’t have any advice on what you should or shouldn’t drink. Buying massive amounts of cheap beer and liquor is perfectly fine; however I do have some thoughts on how to maximize your buzz and fun during the big game.

The Super Bowl is interesting because a majority of fans don’t really have a rooting interest in the game itself. If you are one of the millions that fall into this category, you really have three options to make the game more exciting:

Rack of the Week - Kat Dennings

Starring in comedies such as Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, The House Bunny and The 40 Year Old Virgin, Kat Dennings is turning heads in Hollywood for more than her acting talents. This naturally curvy 23-year old has developed quite the fan base as well, google searches for "Kat Dennings Rack" are through the roof! Please do Playboy, Please do Playboy!

Kat is currently filming two projects, Daydream Nation (2010) and Thor (2011).